Education of children without punishment

12 principles of education without punishment, whining and shouting – leaflet for parents

Education of children without punishment

12 basic principles of child-rearing without punishment – how to raise a child without punishing the child?

Many parents doubt the correctness of child-rearing. The main doubt, of course, is always about the use of punishment. We're not talking about belts and flogging, we're talking about punishments in general, such as angles, computer deprivation or personal money.

How does punishment work?

We are sure we know what's best for our child. It's a point of view that lasts a lifetime. But, deciding for the baby, we press his independence, turning a person into a mattress.

Need to must listen to the wishes of the child!

Example. Mom dressed her daughter in a bright, beautiful dress for a walk, and she wanted to play in the sandbox. Mom says no, because the dress will get dirty. But the clothes aren't important to her daughter, she's important to the sand. The girl doesn't care what she's wearing, it's all about having fun. Conclusion: Mom turned the walk into a torture for both. And in the end, the daughter will be punished for being bored and wanting to play.

What is this punishment?

This is the additional motivator that limits the child in a certain action. But a child should not be afraid of punishment, but of the natural consequences of his actions.

By punishing him, we teach him to avoid reprisals, lie, and dodge. The natural consequences are inevitable. It's better to focus on them. Didn't find his favorite soldier.

This is the punishment!

Punish a child for disobedience? Is it possible to do without punishment?

The parent who voluntarily chose this path, encounters a lot of difficulties. But you should understand that the absence of punishment is not permissiveness at all. This method of upbringing does not deprive a person of the rules and norms of behavior, and does not mean that if a snare strikes a neighbor in the sandbox, he will be stroked on the head for it.

The basic principles of child-rearing without punishment

  • Terse. Parents who dare to child-rearing without punishment choose a difficult and shady path. There will be a lot of problems, but if all the conditions are met, they will grow up to be happy and self-sufficient.
  • Children should not be loved for what they give us (a sense of confidence, fullness, and pride), but loved for nothing. Of course, it is easier to punish than to understand the reasons for bad behavior. But that's what the parents' selfishness is all about. They make it easier for them to hurt their child – a small person.
  • To accept their child as he is with all the problems, troubles and caprices. He should feel loved and appreciated.
  • Must pay enough attention to his child. It's the lack of it that causes disobedience.
  • Access to the child's identity. Since the youngest years, when the toddler is not yet able to speak, he already chooses his clothes, a toy. He has his own feelings and suffering. You can't ignore them. It ruins your individuality.
  • Education by example. If you forbid a child to lie, don't lie and don't sugarcoat it yourself. Follow the rules of the whole family. A child's innate instinct to imitate adults acts on a subconscious level. Try it and you'll see that it's true.
  • The more pressure you have, the more resistance you'll have to resist. If you're constantly sawing, take away your toys, do it, don't take it, don't break it, don't touch it, you can create such a tense atmosphere that your child will want to escape from it. That's what he'll try to do in whims, protests, and hysteria.
  • Penalties confirm that there is more power for every force. The kid will grow and your power and financial authority will be lost. Then you will understand that punishment is an educational error, but it will be too late.
  • Consequence is an assistant in compliance with the rules. They said if you don't give me candy before dinner, don't. If today you can't, but tomorrow you can.
  • Support the right behavior by rewarding. Children quickly forget about the punishment, which threatens in case of prank, but remember about the presentations for good behavior.
  • The parent must constantly evolve, learn so that the grown-up child does not put him at a standstill difficult questions.
  • Do not go on provocation – hysteria, reproach, rudeness. Be indifferent to such emotional explosions.

Read How to calculate a pickuper among men?


Parental advice on raising children without punishment

Raising children without punishment

The question of whether parenting is possible without punishment is relevant for both future parents and for those moms and dads who are trying to find compromise solutions by calming their own capricious and disobedient children. In spite of all the complexity, the answer lies in the very wording of the question.

First, let's try to understand what is the reason for the whims and disobedience of children. Secondly, how to resist the pressure of the baby, while remaining a reliable friend and companion. Third, whether punishment should be avoided or considered a mandatory element of the educational process, but in a different interpretation from the traditional one.

Cause of bad behavior and the essence of the reorientation technique

Family counselor K. Qualls considers punishment, which is implemented in the form of aggression, psychological or physical pressure, to be one of the most effective tools for deforming the child's personality, forming complexes and irresponsible attitude to himself and his life.

Punishment is the manifestation of uncontrolled adult behaviour that instills fear and uncertainty in the child, on the one hand, and resentment, on the other. The perpetrator, instead of feeling ashamed of his or her actions, tries to avoid punishment by cultivating stubbornness, intransigence or even vengeance.

From this explanation of the behaviour of a disobedient child, it is clear that children should not be punished for any reason. They need to learn to control their own values-based behaviour, to behave according to the situation, and to be responsible for their decisions and actions.

It means that in education, it is possible to abandon punishments and shouting by reorienting their behaviour and that of children. Parents cannot be punished, but they can learn to respect their opinions and find mutually beneficial solutions. No doubt children should be loved and raised, but that's not enough. It is more important to make them aware that they are useful, i.e. to help them realize their talents.

Reorientation should only begin after the cause of the child's disobedience has been established. Otherwise, the retaliation may be not only wrong, but also harmful to the parent-child relationship.

So, in a form of disobedience, the child may ask parents for attention, try to influence them, take revenge, or evade their responsibilities.

Younger needs attention

Nurturing children without shouting starts with identifying the reasons for their bad behavior.

Seeing away from adult attention, a child can do something that is annoying to the parent. In such a case, it is necessary:

  1. Not to look at the child and not to look into his eyes.
  2. Not to talk to him.
  3. Pleasing on the back or hair to make him feel your love.

It is necessary to act immediately, otherwise irritation will lead to desire to punish, not having understood the reasons of occurring.

On the desire to influence a situation testifies that the child is defiantly capriciously capricious, shouting or spoiling after the parental remark. The strategy of parental behaviour should be based on how to help the child manifest himself/herself in this situation. Then try to create:

  1. Option for the child.
  2. Conditions that will help both parties to avoid conflict.
  3. Treaty conditions that need to be met.
  4. Legal framework of conduct. For example, if a child likes to paint on walls, it is better to create the right conditions for him/her than to lose each time by shouting.
  5. Situation of success, in which both sides of the disagreement win.
  6. Uncommon circumstances, having made an unexpected act.
  7. Funny and amusing atmosphere for the usual and habitual occupation.

To bring up children without punishment it is possible, having learnt to say “no” politely. In most cases, it is the unwillingness to do something that is at the heart of most whims.

Effective weaponry in the fight against conflict is to try to avoid it, but not at the expense of punishment. Better to temper your fervor than to saw a child for bad behavior. And you shouldn't be in a hurry to achieve your goal. Unreasonable actions can lead to unforeseen consequences.

Kid takes revenge or evades duty

Punishment should also be avoided because it makes the child feel worthless. Some children feel hurt and some are capable of revenge.

The child should not be scolded because in a state of despair he or she can harm himself or herself and others. You should try:

  1. Select five qualities that distinguish the caprice and make you love it even more. This will help us to overcome our own resentment towards the disobedient child and move on to the next step.
  2. Restore the relationship with the child in all possible ways. You don't need to be reminded of any trouble for a while until the desire to take offense is over.

You've noticed that the child insistently proves he's weak, stupid, clumsy, and in fact, more and more he's avoiding household chores? He demands pity and compassion, but easily waives his obligations? Behavioural patterns may then be as follows:

  1. Nelzya will continue to feel sorry for the child as it develops a habit of achieving its goal in a sad mood. As an adult, he or she will continue to be “pitiless” and depressed.
  2. Nelsya will create a situation in which a child says he or she cannot do something.
  3. Place an easy goal in front of it that you can succeed in, and then make it harder to do the job.

This is hard to be good and strict at the same time, but it's worth learning from. You have to accept and love the child for who he is. You can't give him an excuse to infringe on his parental rights, but you can't force him to do what he doesn't want to do. It's worth showing that a child sometimes gets into unpleasant situations on his own, but you're always ready to help him.

Communication with a child without reproach or irritation

Most modern psychologists agree that a child should be accepted and loved regardless of his or her behaviour. Pampering is a signal, but not for punishment, but for changing one's own behavior.

If a son or daughter do something with interest and pleasure, it is better for mom or dad to leave them alone, relieving them of the comments, shouting and punishment. But there are cases when children's behavior can cause irreparable harm, such as health. Then the parent's help is mandatory, and it's better to start by saying, “Let's do it together…”.

So it's hard to leave children without punishment if they don't remove toys? If you have long since adopted a friendly tone of communication, the previous rules will apply.

For growing up, a child needs to be responsible for making mistakes when facing the consequences of his or her bad actions or inactions. It is the task of parents to give them the opportunity.

In cases where a child is quite satisfied with their actions, but you understand their recklessness, share your experiences in a way that is accessible to them. It is not necessary to speak about terrible sins and bad behavior, it is better to speak about the feelings, applying the form of the first person.

Education without punishments is an opportunity for each parent to reconsider own behavior and to understand that the conflict arises only because of misunderstanding.

For example, it is enough to realize that some things are impossible or difficult for a child to do.

Is it worth scolding a one-year-old child who doesn't know about the dangers of sockets? It is better to make the source of temptation inaccessible to the child.

As well as the circumstances, it is possible to change one's expectations: they should be commensurate with the child's abilities. Sooner or later, every parent has to learn how to get rid of their own experiences.

Methodology of the Orthodox psychologist

Psychologist T. Shishova, who develops a strategy for raising a child taking into account Orthodox traditions, believes that punishment should be present in family practice. But this is a special punishment – with love.

Penalties, which are also considered as a form of punishment, should be strictly dosed. Excessively narrow frames of the permitted one may lead to riots sooner or later. On the other hand, the absence of a ban leads to the most serious childish sin – the lack of respect for the parents.

Family punishment should be consistent: the same misdemeanor should not only be repressed when the parents are in the right mood. It is recommended that the list of allowed “sins” be discussed in the family council and agreed upon so that the child does not manipulate the parents' attitude towards their offenses.

Punishment can also occur in physical form. Up to five years of age, you can use a light slap on the butt, especially for easily excitable children who have an increased need for bodily contact.

In heavy duty, it is not a sin to use a belt. And a boycott can be considered a measure of last resort for a naughty bully. The only restriction is that punishment is applied only in rare cases, then it is more effective.

Counsels of modern psychologists

Inspiring to the reasoning of domestic and foreign psychologists and educators, we cite 8 rules of conduct for parents, who instead of punishment prefer to establish trusting relationships with the child, proposed by the practitioner psychologist E. Rosinska.

  1. The child should not take an adult reasonable person out of balance. An adult understands the meaning of his or her actions and those of others, so he or she is not irritated by children's caprices. Shouting and whims is a manifestation of weakness that allows a little manipulator to win and get his or her way.
  2. Evalue a child positively, don't humiliate him or her. Always evaluate actions, not personality, and give a harmless but clear definition of behavior.
  3. Use an unusual reaction to the child's disobedience, surprise, and then turn the situation around to get what you want. Surprisingly, it will shift the child's attention, reformat communication.
  4. If the child's demands are not harmful, it is better to gently agree with him rather than continue to insist. In this way, the child will feel the support of the mother or father, will understand that they are being listened to and heard.
  5. In communication with a capricious child, it is better to use logic and arguments rather than a categorical prohibition without explaining the reasons. Later on, this will allow to create a harmonious relationship of mutual trust.
  6. Teach the child also to argue his or her demands, to negotiate, to make concessions. This is the way to further socialisation.
  7. Give your child the opportunity to accept the ban, do not demand obedience immediately. Violating this rule, you can traumatize your child's self-esteem and provoke a more categorical opposition to adult solutions.
  8. It is worth learning to trust the child's opinion, to listen to him/her, to discuss problems together, to seek compromises.

Much as the advice of psychologists and educators may seem simple, it is much more difficult to put them into practice.

Building a relationship of trust with a child, upbringing without punishment – this is a hard daily job, and should be done above all on yourself.

But the result of this tireless work – understanding and a friendly family atmosphere – will allow your baby to become a successful and happy person.


How to bring up children happy and reveal their intellectual and creative potential? The result is guaranteed!

Raising children without punishment

All children are born geniuses, 9,999 out of every 10,000 children of this genius will soon be carelessly deprived of this genius by adults

Buckminster Fuller/strong>

When children are small and lack the time and energy for everything – work, home, school, their hobbies and hobbies of children – we often snap at our young children. Now my kids have grown up and I'm very sorry about these moments. Many people ask questions:

  • How to raise a child without shouting and punishment?
  • How to raise a child happy?
  • How to develop a child's intellectual and creative potential?
  • How can I make a child confident?

There is one secret in education that will help answer all these questions at once.


This article can fundamentally change your parenting principles and make your children happy and successful. Just don't be afraid to start raising your children in a different way than everybody else

Began writing this article and remembered the interesting story of the taxi driver who took me home after work. I dreamed of taking a nap on the road, but when I listened to it, I realized that this story was worth the attention. I think it might even pretend to be the 2nd epigraph of the article and it would be very appropriate to bring it right at the beginning of the article.

Agedtaxi driver: “I'm old, but I'm still working and only now I understand why. I made an irreparable mistake: I wasn't raising my children right… When I was young, I had a Jewish friend, and our apartments were on the same site.

He, like me, had two children. His wife didn't work for him. But the apartment was always a mess, though. Because she was in charge of the kids. Their daughter played the violin and their son was taken to extra math lessons.

When I visited them, I didn't understand why she didn't make the kids wash the dishes and do the cleaning. They were always doing stuff like plasticine sculpting, painting, carving. My mother used to praise them all the time: “How talented you are”.

Although the drawings and “sculptures” were, in my opinion, so to myself.

My wife worked in the house, but we always had order in the house. She used to make kids scrub the apartment and do the dishes all the time. And what's the result? My daughter works as a dishwasher in a restaurant. My son's a taxi driver. What about my roommate? He and his wife live in Paris, where their daughter plays in some famous orchestra. And their son is a famous mathematician, lives and teaches in America.

One word: the most profitable investment – in their children!”

How do you tell the story? Impressive? Starik concluded about the benefits of “investment” in children in terms of obtaining then a safe and carefree old age.

But this is just the just a by-product (but nice) product of the overall result of the “right” upbringing using the wise secret of Jewish families.

This wise secret is passed down from generation to generation. I think that's the secret of upbringing that makes children of Jews much more successful and happy.

Want to know the secret and use it in the upbringing of your children?

This secret is in the boundless love for your children, in creative freedom, in the constant praise of the child on any occasion (you are the smartest, most beautiful!), as well as in love and respect in the relationship between father and mother. This education inevitably leads to self-confidence, knowledge, lack of complexes, leadership, and overrated self-esteem (in a good sense).

At 7 wise rules of Jewish families, how to raise a child without shouting and punishment, in love, creativity and freedom

  1. Protection of children from complexes. The mother will never say, “You're a bad person. And he'll say, “How could a good child like that do this irrational thing?!” Jewish families know how to make a child confident. “The child has absolutely no shortcomings” is the standard position of parents in Jewish families.

    If there are shortcomings, then no one will know about them, including the child himself.

  2. Unrestricted freedom with reasonable restrictions. In Jewish families, children walk on everybody's heads. Jewish parents consider a child's freedom to be a special “upbringing”, the air that the child needs.

    Restrictions begin only if the child exceeds the limits of what is acceptable. For example, you can pour a bottle of Mom's perfume on the doll, and even lipstick paint Dad's passport, but you can't hit Grandma on the head. This approach is very similar to raising children in Japan under 5 years old.

    I think you've heard that up to 5 years old Japanese mothers treat their children like kings, they are allowed to do everything absolutely and no one makes any comments, neither parents nor strangers. This system is very conducive to the development of children. In Japan, there's even a saying about the importance of early development: “It's too late after 3:00”.

  3. Permanent praise for the child, even for the smallest of successes.

    Parents praise the child from birth: “How beautiful you are! He's so talented! He's so smart!” Praise sounds even on the smallest occasions and the slightest successes and achievements. And most importantly, in front of everyone. Getting used to noticing all the good things about your children can radically change their behaviour.

  4. Parental responsibility. The Jews know that the smallest misdemeanor or bad word of parents can have incorrigible consequences. This is why parents are constantly inspiring their children with responsible behaviour and examples.
  5. Respect and love in the family is inherited.

    Children have seen their father's attention to their mother and mother to their father since childhood. When a child sees his parents living in love, he feels protected. It's another way to raise a child with confidence. Parents' behavior is a role model. He will create the same love relationship in his family.

  6. Training to be parents.

    A girl from childhood is taught that her main career is family and home. In aspiration to bring up successful children, the Jewish sages have created system of education. It is available in Israel at parenting courses. Successful parenting, as we see it, begins with educating and teaching oneself how to be “mum and dad”.

  7. Teaching children to manage time wisely. Children are accustomed to the fact that it is normal to be constantly busy with interesting business. That's why they don't know what laziness and “nothing to do” are. They're always busy with a little bit of English, violin, math.

Someone has the gift of “right” child-rearing talent

We have found that these principles of “right” child-rearing in Jewish families are passed down from generation to generation. But there are also families (of other nationalities :)) in which the father and mother have an intuitive parenting talent.

They “know” that raising children correctly means raising them in love. Figuratively we can say that they are born geniuses – mozarts in education .

Often they are not familiar with the theory of pedagogy, but do everything “right”.

I am lucky – such people include my parents. We always had a free, happy atmosphere of love in our family.

Parents have been telling my brother and I since we were kids that we were talented, that everything would work out, no matter what we did. We were also allowed everything, there were no prohibitions.

This trust even made it impossible to deceive parents and do something “wrong”.

This is the kind of “upbringing concept” that my husband and I transferred to our children.

They were allowed to build houses all over the apartment – turn the chairs over, cover the chairs and tables with blankets, on the closet my Volodya arranged for them to “halabuda”.

We did it all intuitively because there was no internet at the time, and we knew nothing about the free upbringing of children in Japan under 5 years of age and about the permissibility of children in Jewish families.

But not only Mozart's upbringing but also salieri

You've probably seen your mother dragging your little son or daughter by the hand to kindergarten, the child crying and yelling at him because she's late for work.

Or another situation. One kid accidentally pushed the other and he cried. What's Mom doing? She starts scolding her son, “You're a bad boy! Why did you hurt that good boy?!”

When a child starts going to school, nothing changes. In the evening after work, the “tired” mother continues to yell at the child for a comment in her diary or for lessons not done.

If this happens all the time, the child inevitably develops a low self-esteem.

American psychologist Abraham Maslow (Abraham Maslow, Wikipedia), unfortunately, tells us that 96% of the people who were “crippled” by their education were such “crippled”. And only 4% are people who have a need for self-fulfillment and achievement of their goals


Нет комментариев

    Добавить комментарий

    Ваш e-mail не будет опубликован. Все поля обязательны для заполнения.