Childish hysteria: how to fight and win?

7 ways to beat childish hysteria

Childish hysteria: how to fight and win?
Tell us about us: Julia's mother | 12.08.2015 | 4020

Children's hysteria can easily piss off even the most calm and patient person. Knowing a few secrets, you can quickly calm the little “terrorist” and keep your balance of mind.

Press down the child's hysteria, parents often feel guilty before others, the child and themselves. In order not to be torn between the child's feelings and the right actions to stop the “concert”, clear rules must be followed.

1. Demonstrate indifference

At the time of the next “concert” in public parents are ready to fall through the ground. They think everybody's looking at them all judgmental. In fact, most people are more sympathetic to these parents.

Often a child's complete ignorance is more effective than anger and anger. It's not uncommon for children to get hysterical, to make sure they get the attention of adults.

2: Voicing a child's feelings

The child finds it very difficult to understand what is happening to him or her. It's hard for him to withstand the feelings he doesn't know yet.

Help the child to voice his concerns: “You're upset because I didn't buy you the candy you love so much! It is important to show your child that you sincerely sympathize with him, understand his anger and resentment.

All parents are hysterical.

Tell the baby how upset you are when you don't get what you want. But it's not acceptable to show your anger this way, because it's so ugly!

3. struggling with hysteria with the child

Hysterics is evidence that the child is not able to cope with his or her own feelings. It's important to understand that this isn't just an attempt to manipulate adults in this way, but it's also an emotional one.

Think of a funny name for what's going on with your child: a little bitch attacking, aunt Hysterical grabbing, and crying. This will allow the baby to see you as a friend, not an offender.

Switching his attention will quickly calm him down.

Sometimes it is easier to prevent childish hysteria than to fight it later. Often a child gets a magic word “no!” from half a turn, carelessly thrown by parents.

Replace this word with an explanation that would show that you're on the side of the crumbs: “I'd love to buy you these candies too. But unfortunately, they make their teeth spoil so quickly…”

Children's hysteria is not an easy test for everyone. It will help parents know their limits of patience, and children will know how much they can manipulate adults.

5. We suggest an alternative

Try to analyze the child's behavior and determine when he or she is usually hysterical. Before you go to the store, tell your baby that you could take him with you, but only if he doesn't ask for something, you don't have that option today.

If the baby comes towards you, make a reservation beforehand, it will happen if he doesn't keep his promise. For example, if your baby breaks the contract, you will no longer be able to take him/her to the store/film/zoo.

This way of doing things will help teach him/her to understand the cause-effect relationship of their behaviour and the importance of making a choice.

6. We use energy for peaceful purposes

Only the cause of such stormy emotions as during hysteria is stress.

Alternative in the form of jumps, dancing, hiding and catching up will help to get rid of negative energy, which, having accumulated, can lead to hysteria.

Hysterics in a child is a manifestation of his rage, resentment, a way to get what you want.

Active activity will help babies stay calm. In addition, you will teach your child to cope with negative emotions on their own. And in the future, with his negative feelings, he'll need to go in for sports.

7. Give your baby a chance to get better

Bad behavior does not always require punishment. Often a child feels guilty for bad behavior. This fault is in itself a punishment.

Let the child redeem it with some symbolic action. This will make him understand that you, despite his mistake, are ready to accept an apology.

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8 tips on how to fight children's hysterics

Children's hysteria: how to fight and win?

Practically all parents are familiar with the feeling of helplessness and even despair when they suddenly realize that they cannot control the process during a child's hysteria. Staying calm, reasonable, accepting and responsible adults in such a situation is not very easy. But you can learn it.

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Hysterics and simply challenging behavior can be for people of all genders and ages.

Yes, most often uncontrollable anger attacks are characteristic of children from one and a half to three years old, simply because speech is not yet sufficiently developed and the child, desperate to be understood by the world around him, tries to express himself by laying on the floor of the supermarket. But you can face childish aggression and hysteria at five, ten, and 13 years old. Less often, the consequences are much more serious and difficult to manage.

From three years of age, the child's behaviour should gradually level off by learning to recognize and control his or her impulses and desires. Gradually, though, not as quickly as we would like it to be, the will sphere is born. And the notorious freedom of will.

When I, every time the red veil begins to cover my eyes, I can say, “Stop. Not today.” Or, on the contrary, decide that “today is a good time to fight, I choose the action”, and use all the power of my aggression to achieve the goal.

But it's great if we manage our fortunes and use their energy, not our energy. To do this, it is necessary to learn to know these very states, to understand their mechanisms and to begin to control themselves.

This isn't even about the secret science of the Jedi, but about how to stop a machine from hitting a dear friend in the sandbox and breaking his new iPhone against a wall in an anger attack on his mother.

How can we parents help ourselves and our children in the difficult but important science of self-regulation?

1. We continue to talk about feelings

All of us remember the advice of psychologists that feelings should be called and spoken about. And it's true. There are three small aspects that I want to talk about in more detail.

Any how many names of feelings and emotions do you usually use in such conversations? 10? 20? They say they're over 500. All kids are three years old and they know anger, sadness and joy. But if they do not distinguish between anger, confusion, confusion, embarrassment, fatigue, resentment, disappointment, then all the situations listed above will be recorded in the “anger” with the corresponding aggressive reaction of the body and brain.

The research conducted by the University of Washington (Seattle) has shown that children whose vocabulary on the topic of emotions is richer have fewer behavioural problems.

One should take into account that a word denoting, for example, “disappointment” in a child's head should be associated with a picture, personal experience, told history and situation. This kind of science seems difficult at first glance.

To begin with, write on a sheet of paper 10-15 different words that denote feelings, and write a story for each of them. Or buy a book, in which everything has already been invented before you.

As another trap – we were taught to “say emotions”, but forgotten to say that there are also many positive emotions in the world.

In the end, my mother often tells my son that he was upset, angry, disappointed. I know that feeling! It lives in my neighborhood somewhere in the solar plexus area! Give me five!” or “You're all shining with the joy of meeting your beloved friend,” “You're smiling so much when you get out of school, you must have come up with a new prank that amused you so much! Will you share?”.

Say good, good, light. It's not natural? No, it's just a little strange. But habits can be changed

And the third thing that is worth telling your child about emotions is that they change. Doesn't mean that a person who has lost his favorite knife he's been saving up for the last three years should say: “It's nothing, it's everyday business! We'll definitely share his feelings: we'll become a vest, a container, what Mom and Dad are supposed to become.

But if everything was terrible in the morning – we wanted to sleep, it was raining and the treasure was lost from the pocket – and in the afternoon someone runs towards you, we can remind you: “Oh! You were so sad in the morning because it was raining and you found out that you had lost your math notebook and that the only friend in the class who got sick was in a very unpleasant state, but look – now you're having fun!”.

The next step is to help your child understand what makes his emotions and feelings change. What's helping him? Be alone? Read it? Hug your mother? You have to talk about emotions using as many different words as possible, talk about positive experiences, remember King Solomon's covenants (“everything goes away”) and try to show how feelings change each other.

2. Everything has its time and place

The usual picture on the playground: the sun is shining, the boy is building a city of sand, the mother enjoys a warm day and a good picture. And suddenly another child appears in the sandbox, who, without any bad idea, touches the tower with his foot, it collapses – and your quiet boy with a fierce scream rushes at the abuser.

Why many adults think this is a good reason to be polite.

Yes, you should intervene, but not educate! All these correct words about “we have to share”, “we're people – we're not fighting, we're talking”, “apologize to the boy, you hit him” are not working now. And even harm.

All you can do is physically stop, voice your emotions, name your condition, apologize to the victims (yourself), if any, and get out of the situation.

Maybe we stop at the end of the conflict. All discussions after and preferably in private. Use active listening

“What happened to you? I think you're pissed off, huh? Oh, I imagine I'd be angry if someone destroyed my work! Where was that anger born? In the chest? In the stomach?”.

To feel sorry for myself, “It was terrible, I don't even know how upset I'd be. And then try to develop behavioral strategies.

How can we not allow anger to control you? What could you have done? What do people do in these situations anyway? They don't, we're talking. It's important to remember: any feelings or thoughts are acceptable, but not any behavior.

3. To take care of yourself

Fuel for fire hysterics – emotions. So it's important to determine where your trigger is, your red button. Children have a very talented way of knowing what the teacher's mother is pissed off about.

Maybe you're annoyed by the screaming or whining, or the foul language of a five-year-old angel, you can't stand it when you spit or bite, run away or break everything? What kind of actions a child in your brain suddenly lights up in red letters: “This is exactly what I can never afford. Because!”.

Our task is to extinguish these letters and understand what behavior is a challenge, but not a struggle. It's just a parental, human task – not to react, not to lose control, not to fall into the state of a child. Stay mature and responsible.

We should first understand what your personal reaction involves, call this behavior, wait for it, and next time take it as a signal to smile and say, “Well, brother, today I won't be taken in by any of our ancestors' insults to the fifth knee”.

How do I do that? Breathe in and out three times (breathe in, smell flowers, breathe out, blow out a candle), relax shoulders and lips, say to yourself: “This is my son. He's not feeling well right now. I love him. I can stay calm and help. And if it all worked out, to praise yourself very much.

It's not that easy to do otherwise, not to go for the feelings. But staying calm isn't always enough.

We can't “just ignore the unwanted behavior of a child”

And if he's running under a car or trying to break his head in a shop window, or just beating all the kids around him? Of course, we're not ignoring it. We suppress actions that can be dangerous to health, if necessary, take the child out of the situation.

But at the same time we remain calm and ready to come to the aid – they are really very sick. We're ready to hug, give you a handkerchief, water, talk. And we don't care if there's a lot of rebuke around. Because we remember hysteria is a sign that the child needs our help.

For example, to teach a new behavioral pattern.

4. Warned means armed

It's easy to advise you to “stay calm”, it's sometimes almost impossible to implement this advice. But the willingness to challenge us makes us stronger. Watch the baby. On average, children under three years of age have hysterics (sometimes as brief as summer rain) once or twice a week. Enough to store material for analysis.

What is the trigger for your child's hysteria? Look for a trigger

He can't stand it when they say “no”, or he's painful about his things and hates them if they're touched? Does it need a particularly large personal space, is it sensitive to loud sounds? Afraid of dogs? Discuss this feature with everyone who communicates with the child, maybe their observations will help you learn something new. And be prepared to meet the storm every time this trigger triggers a hysterical mechanism in your son and daughter. Remember, it's just a task. And yes, it will.

5. Everything has a purpose – and children's hysteria too

Profitable to understand what purpose it is. All goals can be divided into two types: to avoid something (action, person, event, space, process), or to get something (thing, help, attention, power, communication). Besides, sometimes you can avoid sobbing and quarrelling just by not doing what causes such a reaction.

The best method of “natural consequences” works best, not the punishment of Mom or Dad, because they have authority and the right “issued from above”, but quite natural and not quite pleasant consequences.

Robbed in the store – could not buy something. I had a fight on the court – I had to leave it, I rushed with a book – I couldn't read it for the night.

Bad mood of my mother also refers to “natural consequences”.

6. Always being on the child's side

Who's against? Against hysterics. Unfortunately, they don't always end at four years old. At some point the child realizes that such behavior does not lead to anything good for him/her. It's bothering him. How? (Sighs) For example, it makes family evenings sad, spoils relationships with Dad, and prevents them from making friends. There may be many examples.

There is a strategy for dealing with unacceptable behaviour in children. Yeah, you can be unbearable, but I still love you and accept even that. In that position, you're a noble, suffering mother, and he's a little torturer. Being the tormentor of such a beautiful person is hard, it is so easy to get to the feeling of guilt, and then to the aggression, escaping from guilt.

Better to choose the scheme in which you – together. Tell your son, look, something's attacking you and seriously ruining our lives. Agreed?

What do you think it is? What's his name? What does he want? How do you fight him? At the same time, you can analyze how angry flashes occur and what really helps to stop them. More on this approach can be found in Michael White's Maps of Narrative Practice.

7. Look for compromises

Very many people are not good at categorical prohibitions and requirements. It often happens that children grow up and we don't have time to rebuild, and we still discuss the issue of a hat or the first one for lunch with our 15-year-old daughter.

The “offer a choice” strategy works in many cases. With three years even works the choice at the level that you will be at lunch: buckwheat or fig.

But closer to the first anniversary sometimes have to agree together on how to spend the weekend, or the amount of time given to computer games.

There are three types of behavior. You can insist on it. From “it will be because I said so” to “you know it's the right thing to do, because…” It is possible to surrender under an avalanche of children's tears and shouts, to admit that for a long time it is not capable to operate processes, and to give all on will of the child.

Now such parents meet more and more often. The way of contracts and compromises can be preferred – it is longer and more complicated, but it makes the way out stronger than all the participants in the negotiations. What's that supposed to mean? Trying to find a way out together that's acceptable to all parties. It's easy to hit the pitfalls in this respect.

Sometimes an attempt to “negotiate” becomes a manipulation of the “I said so” plan – the goal is to convince you that I'm offering the right solution

Then it's more honest and correct to say “I've decided” and sit under the door, listening to your dear child break down the walls of his nursery. Or honestly look for a way out.

How to check yourself? Very simply – if you already know the “right answer” when you start looking for a compromise – this is not a compromise. Ideas should be born and discussed as we speak. For more information on how to learn how to find compromises in your family, see Green Rossa's book “Explosive Child”.

8. Technology to control your emotions

Even a simple rule of three breaths and exhalations sometimes works. The main thing to remember: we do not learn in a moment of hysteria and repeat ourselves and with the child. The tasks are only three:

  • to stop at the moment of anger;
  • to calm down;
  • to make a decision.

The important thing is to change your attitude towards children's hysterics: they can be something that makes you crazy and tires you out, but they can also be something that teaches you to better understand yourself, your children, and the people around you, to acquire new skills and abilities. It's our choice to suffer or learn and get stronger.

Illustrations: iStockphoto / Viktoria_Yams


Children's hysteria: what to do, psychological advice

Child's hysteria: how to fight and win?

When a child is hysterical, parents experience complex feelings: from guilt and shame to anger and powerlessness. You want to have the instruction “how to fight children's hysterics step by step?”, because the frequent hysterics and following them the struggle and conflicts create tension between children and adults. If hysterics happen frequently, parents can assume that the child is not healthy and go to a neurologist or psychiatrist, but hysterical neurosis in children without special needs is a rare diagnosis.

What are the reasons for children's hysteria?

For children under 4-5 years of age, hysteria is a crisis response to an intolerable situation that cannot be stopped and accepted. The nervous system cannot withstand the stress of anger, rage and despair – the body is hysterical.

In this state, the child does not perceive the information from the outside, it is as if “rebooting the system” and “temporarily unavailable. After strong emotions find a way out, and the hysteria goes down – there comes a stage of grief, when a person looks for comfort and support from relatives, goes to put up with it and wants to handle it.

In any case, tears, screams and other violent reactions always have a reason. The most common causes of children's hysterics are discussed below.

The crisis of 1 year

To the year the crying of children is easily explained by physiological needs and discomfort. A crying baby is easy to distract and entertain with a toy. And closer to the year, the child becomes agile, wants to do it himself, imitating adults, wants to feel useful. This is how a young person learns the rules of behaviour in the family and society, and learns important skills.

Photo and Yaroslava Matveychuk's daughter

But a one-year-old child can put himself or herself or others in danger. This worries parents, they make rules and prohibit a lot.

Faced with restrictions, the child experiences frustration. His need cannot be met right now. Oh, how angry it is!

To survive anger, the baby screams and falls to the ground, blushing, kicking on the floor, his forehead knocks down walls, fights.

3 Years of crisis

Three years of age child is like a young teenager. He is gradually separating himself from his mother and already has his own opinion about everything that is happening, he wants to make his own decisions, he wants his opinion to be taken into account.

By defending his “I”, a three-year-old man refuses to do things that were previously loved and familiar only because adults suggested it – he shows negativism.

At the same time with negativism, the child shows a stubbornness that has never been seen before. If he asked for candy, he wouldn't give up on it. Even if he's long overdose candy and wants soup, he won't admit it and will continue to demand candy.

Lev Semenovich Vygotsky spoke about three-year-olds: “The child is at war with others, in constant conflict with them.”

Conflicts in the family

When significant people argue, the child experiences severe stress, even if the conflict is sluggish and does not appear in the child – the tension is accumulated and the discharge is hysterical. Sometimes a child unconsciously “distracts” adults from the conflict by unspeakable behaviour and hysterics.

Change in lifestyle

Travel, kindergarten, illness, loss of friends or family – these are moments when the child needs more attention and care.

Love and attention needs

If the time spent with parents is not enough or if it is without quality and active communication. Such hysteria is a manifesto: “Notice me, I'm here, I need you!”.

How do you calm the childish hysteria caused by lack of attention? Simple enough to play together, have a heart-to-heart, read or walk to feel close to your parents.

But some children need the constant involvement and attention of adults, it's worth considering.

Photo and daughter of Yaroslava Matveychuk

Education inconsistency

Mom allowed cartoons, and Dad forbade them. Mom said it's sweet after a meal, but Dad often gives candy before a meal. If the prohibitions and rules are the same for all family members, the child will simply accept them and there will be no room for manipulation. Adults need to agree on the rules of their family.

The development of a single line of education is often the cause of family disputes, because everyone has their own experience and understanding of how to “do it”. Psychological counseling for parents can be useful when looking for their own style of parenting that is acceptable to all children.

Nighttime hysteria for children can occur due to severe stress during the day, nightmares or severe pain. It's important to be around, hug, try to find out the cause and fix it.

Hysterics can happen to any child, but there are particularly sensitive children, their nervous system is easy to excite and their nervous system is weakly developed, because the neocortex, responsible for conscious actions and logic, matures to only 6-7 years of life.

Photo and daughter of Yaroslava Matveychuk

Can you prevent hysteria?

Stop the hysteria that has already started as hard as stopping the train at full speed. But there are a few ideas on how to react to children's hysteria:

  1. To make sure that the child eats and rests whenever he wants. Find the rhythm in which he feels calm and confident when everything is predictable and understandable. Maintain that rhythm. Do not take a tired, hungry, or sleepy child to shops, for long walks, or for concentration classes.
  2. Give a child the right to say “no” if this refusal does not infringe on the interests of others and does not entail dangerous consequences. This teaches you to take responsibility for your decisions.
  3. Saying the child's wishes and emotions, especially if he or she is still young, to voice and understand them
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